Friday, 2 August 2013

3 Days Pre Surgery

And so it begins, the logistics of this surgery, the packing, the organisation, the reality of it all.. It's come crashing down on me today, emotionally. I've spent all week trying to avoid this, not the physical work that's involved, but the emotional reality of the impending surgery. I am healthy, fit, able to run up stairs, and exercise, and ride a bike, and do everything that I need and want to do. Nothing hurts, i have no ills, no ailments, take no medication and i'm as healthy as a horse.
In three days it will hurt to just to laugh. 
I read recently, where there are so many more things worse than being fat, like being mean, or selfish, or jealous, or nasty... I'm just fat. I'm a nice enough person, I help people whenever I can, I'm kind, and generous, but I have a recently acquired obsession with removing a spare tyre of loose skin that I earned having my beautiful children.. Why?
So many "what if's" going on in my head. Even though I am 50, I still have 3 kids under 18 that depend on me for support, and I am cross with myself that I have allowed the "human floor rug" comment get into my head and eat away at me to such a point that I am risking a bloody 8 hour surgery, just for vanity.. Grrrrrr.
But, it's all booked and organised now, so I guess the only thing left to do is suck it up and get at it... 

I ended the day exhausted, I have gymmed, walked, weeded, washed, cleaned and cooked for 14 hours today and I'm tired. I have had an hour long phone calls with my son Richard, who is struggling being so far away from the family, and is worried about the possible after effects of my surgery. He has always been my sensitive one, he is living with my mother in southern NSW and is starting to feel very isolated.. I'm also struggling with my parental obligations in regard to him, I should be going to scoop him up and bring him home to me, not heading to Rocky to improve my body shape! It's all just an emotional roller coaster today.

I'm going to try to find some old photos for tomorrow's upload, to see where I started and to remind me how far I've come. I am almost brave enough to upload some before photos of the floor rug, in an attempt to rid myself of the shame I feel every time I have to look at myself in a mirror. Or perhaps just to scare you all into never eating crap again in your life! I guess maybe they might even encourage others to take a look, and think "hey, I can do that".. Here's hoping.

On a more serious note, I have started to pack today, and have got a list of things important for this kind of op.. I think..
Slip on shoes, slippers, remembering I won't be able to bend.
Easy to wear p.j's, like a big night shirt, buttoning up at the front so the nurses will have no problems, and possibly because I may not be able to lift up my arms just yet
Baby wipes, I'm guessing I won't be showering anytime soon, given the fact I will be bound up like a Xmas turkey.
I've also packed those little strips of mouthwash that dissolve on your tongue. 
I've packed audio books called Playaways, that I have borrowed from my local library, that are like small MP3 players that contain just one book, and have headphones. Spare batteries.
I'm also in the process of hatching an addiction to borrowbox, which is an online ebook library that has heaps of great books to read, for free! Downloaded about 5 books, all primed and ready to read.
Paw paw ointment because its magic, and at our house we use it for everything, from lip balm, to hair gel, to moisturiser... 
Then all the usual toiletries, in smaller sizes or travel packs. 

I'm pretty good at minimalistic packing, although the dressing gown that I've borrowed from Chuck takes up most of my bag, but other than this beautiful pink fluffy gown ( don't ask me why it belongs to Chuck, there is always a story associated to anything he does..), I've packed 3 sets of pj's, trackie daks and an oversized t-shirt, with a zip up the front jumper.. 
I'm wearing another pair of track pants, and jumper to the hospital, and a scarf I bought in Paris, just to remind me of good times.. As Hugo says, what you don't have, we'll buy, no big deal. I'll let you know if I think of something incredibly useful that I forgot to pack.

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